I think the reason why I can't write anymore
Is because I always run into you whenever I try
And when that happens, everything comes back again
Memories, reasons, feelings
I'm afraid I'll keep running, because I don't think I'm strong enough to face you again
To think of you again
And have you hurt me
You when you're happy
When you're sad
When you're afraid
When you're hopeful and extremely optimistic
When you're angry
When you're confused
I just keep seeing you
And I don't want to remember you
But I can't bear to forget you.
1. Ugh, this is so annoying.
I gotta find like, some place to vent how I feel without too many people wondering or knowing too much about me
but at the same time I need people to know, y'know?
I need attention.
I crazily crave it. I don't know if I've always needed it, or if because a certain someone left I need it because of all the attention he gave me.
Like... I don't know. I want people to.. talk to me constantly. Make me feel like I matter.
I want to just.. scream from a rooftop somewhere and be like
HELLO I AM HERE, LOVE ME.
But I don't want to do that.. because at this point I'm almost desperate enough to say that to someone, and I don't want to do that... since I'll sound completely... desperate?
It doesn't help seeing couples.. and being all.. affectionate and loving and just... sweet.
Like, get out of my face. >_<
I don't need to see you guys being all cute and adorable, because I can't be all cute and adorable with someone I just so happen to like because he's like a million miles away.
Stop being so affectionate.
2. I'm just nervous for tomorrow and presenting. It's always that first hurdle that frightens me.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
The neighbourhood was in a deep slumber, streetlights shone brightly and one suddenly flickered as if trying to stay awake and then went out completely.
It was silent.
No one could possibly see them.
Running hand in hand, their shadows played hide and seek between the shadows of trees and houses, their breath coming out in little puffs of smoke as they climbed gates and jumped fences.
The moon was their guide, lighting the way towards a small park and their run turned into a slow walk.
It was only then that he realized she was still holding onto his hand.
"Do you remember this place?"
She asked softly as she turned to face him, the lamplight casting a sort of halo around her. He nodded and smiled; how could he forget? It was a shame though, he thought as he lifted up the "do not cross" tape; sure they'd replace it with a brand spankin' new one, but...
She gently tugged his hand and lead him to the double slides, slowly released his hand and she went to a slide and laid down. She patted the slide next to her and he sat down beside her.
"Look up at the sky," She said smiling, "isn't it beautiful?" Yes you are, he thought as he looked at her face, then glanced up to see the dark blue sky sparkling with a thousand stars. "When I heard that they were gonna knock down this park," she began to say after a while,"I cried. I was so upset I didn't know what to do...my mom said it was cause this park is old and unsafe; that I shouldn't cry over it because I don't even use it anymore...but she doesn't understand..." She sighed softly and he looked over at her. "She doesn't understand why I care about it so much." She whispered. "I know it sounds kinda silly, I mean you might not even understand why, but I felt that you of all people would be the only one to understand why it means so much to me... or why I even brought you here." She smiled sheepishly at him. Slowly he reached for her hand, giving it a small squeeze.
"So I was right." he replied. In the dark, she sensed the smile in his voice and squeezed back softly. "What do you mean?" She asked. "While we ran, I began to wonder where we were going, and when we stopped here I remembered how it was going to be taken down. It made sense, because you knew that too...and that... this was where we first met." She laughed softly. "That day was the best day of my life."
"We were only 6 though..." he began to say. "I know, and the fact that we're still friends now.. it's amazing." With his free hand he gently brushed her cheek, cold from the winter air. "Actually I lied." She replied suddenly. He flinched, jerking his hand back. "I didn't mean it like that," she said quickly her eyes widening as she saw the hurt in his eyes. "I meant that ever since that day, from that day onward, every time we met was like the greatest day of my life all over again." "Really?" He asked. "She nodded smiling as she sat up and kissed his cheek. "Really." He smiled and as he kissed her back softly, a small star in the sky twinkled.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
We didn't want to be there, none of us did. It was too warm, too sunny... too many bugs."Now I want you to close your eyes..." she told us, "and listen. Listen to the sounds around you..." she told us, "Listen to the sounds of nature, what do you hear?""Birds!" Someone called out."Bees!""Wind!""Airplanes!"We all chuckled, and she did too. "Now," she said, "Take a deep breath in-"In my own personal darkness of my closed eyelids, I heard everyone inhale."And take a deep breath out."I heard everyone exhale."Now, what can you smell?" She asked us."Earth!""Flowers!""perfume!""Deodorant!""I can smell someone who isn't wearing any deodorant..." some kid whispered, which got a few kids in the back giggling. "Alright kids, settle down." She said, loud but calm; firm but soft. Once they calmed down, she said, "Now I want you all to open your eyes...look up into the sky, down at the ground, and all around you; what do you see?" She asked us again, in her calming voice."Plants!" "Sticks!""Trees!""Clouds!"She nodded in approval. "Can you look farther though? Beyond the horizon, beyond the clouds, beyond the tops of the trees; can you see anything?"She watched us, as we stared dumbly up into the bright blue sky."I see an airplane." One kid answered."You may not see them, but stars are forever present up in that sky." We nodded, this was elementary stuff. "I dare you, to look at the stars." "Right now?" Another kid pipped up. "No, not right now... but in your own spare time. Just go outside on a summer night, and look up at the stars." She replied, smiling.We all looked back at her. "But why?""Why not?" She asked, her facial expression unchanged. "Besides, I just thought it'd be an interesting lesson for you guys...it's something I, nor anyone else can teach you." "What do you mean?" Another kid asked. Still she kept smiling. "Just try it, I dare you."--I sighed, opening the closet door. Well, that is what she told us...she seems sort of crackers though, that religion teacher.. I thought to myself, as I took out a blanket and shut the door.Although it was cloudy this morning, the night sky was quite clear. I walked outside and shivered slightly in my PJs; it was really warm out, but that was only because the sun was out and now it isn't. As I laid my blanket down and sat on it, I stared up at the many stars, twinkling and glistening in the inky black sky. "Light...and dark..." I whispered quietly. "Because there's so much dark up in the sky, it makes sense to balance it out with many smaller lights..." I blinked, stared, inhaled, exhaled. Finally, my body had calmed down, and relaxed and I had no power over it. I continued to look up into the sky...listen to the sounds of nature as well as the sounds of cars and planes...smelled the grass and the air, felt the wind blowing a gentle breez and that's when I finally understood what she really meant: there's some sort of wonderful feeling you get by looking up at the stars, that you wouldn't understand until you've experienced it yourself.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Let's just run away,forget our problemsLeave them behind to bite our dust.We're i n v i n c i b l e.Out here under the open skies, our dreams number the starsNo one can tell you what to do anymoreYou tell yourself to just keep running, 'cause I'll do the sameOne foot after the other;keep the paceLose your footingCatch your breathRelease your worries with each step you take;It's a cycle of breathing, pacing, and runningEscape from your mind as the ache seeps inOne foot in front of the otherAiming to go absolutely nowhereAnywhere but hereLet's paint the town with colours of our imaginationOr visit a city that never sleepsMaybe visit where the world ends and sit on that desolate sidewalk,Our legs dangling off the face of the Earth, and staring down into the darkness that is space.Let's watch the stars twinkle, whispering secrets to us of long agoWatching asteroids pass us by, remains of faraway planetsSome food for thought, although impossible to realistically happen Just take my hand, and let's run away right nowBecause one day you'll wake up one day and find that I'm not there anymore.Because I won't wait for you anymoreYou've had your chance, we were running free.We were
With the hustle and bustle of life, it's easy to lose yourself in the crowd. It's also very easy to feel so alone.
I don't really understand myself all that much. I'm always such a contradiction--is that even normal? Is that even human of me to do so? To be so?
I like being alone, but I hate feeling lonely.
I'm lazy yet I don't do anything to change it.
I say I don't judge people and that it's bad but I judge anyway. I'm totally aware of the shit I do. I'll bet someone in particular would be happy right now to see me all broken like this...or to even see the very core of my being...this contradictive hyprocite..just so they can question me and my actions.
However, I guess I miss this person too much..and that's why I'm like this.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
Assumption No. 1:
No, not literally. Shark Week was a while ago. Think about it metaphorically.
So yeah, I'm being moody all of a sudden. Really moody. And cynical.
It's noticeable, which is amazing btw. Who wouldn't want to randomly act like a bitch for no goddamn reason when you never had before? Alright, I admit I kind of do. But.
Assumption No. 2:
I highly doubt it.
...Okay, maybe I don't. Since the 26th of November we haven't really talked. Whenever someone's happy I tend to rain on their parade, at least.. I've noticed it lately. :/ Being all bitter and cynical was probably due to this.
Assumption No. 3
Just waking up too damn early.
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed...and woke up sleepy.
The whole day felt like a blur.